Tuesday, August 9, 2016

randolph and his diaries

by nick nelson

illustrations by eddie el greco

randolph led an uneventful life.

he had no friends, and after his mother died, no relatives that he knew of.

his mother, when inebriated, had sometimes mentioned a sister, or half-sister, but randolph was not sure the sister had ever really existed, or if she were still alive if she had.

randolph had a job at a large financial services company. he considered himself lucky to have a nine-to-five job, as he realized such jobs were disappearing.

randolph had few interests.

he never cooked anything in his life, and lived on pizza and burgers and fries and krispy kreme doughnuts and pepsi-cola.

sports bored him, and he did not understand politics.

his mother had not introduced him to any religious group, and he felt no inclination to join one.

tv shows all seemed the same to him, especially the news.

music all sounded the same to him.

nor he have any interest in any of the other arts.

a building was just a building (although some were bigger than others) and a picture was just a picture (as long it was “of” something).

he did not like going to movie theaters, because they were too loud.

he had no interest in sex, and thought it sounded confusing, messy, and gross.

he tried taking a few trips, but hated the hassle of the airports and quickly gave it up.

he liked comic books, but had given them up when his mother made fun of him for reading them.

when his mother died, he subscribed to a couple of d c comics , but one day he saw the mailman out on the street talking to another mailman and laughing, and he thought they must be laughing at him for getting the comic books. after that, he gave them up again.

he did like crossword puzzles, and did several every day.

the one thing that really interested him was famous people.

he did not care why they were famous, or if they were “good” or “bad”, just that they were famous.

his favorites were cleopatra, alexander the great, winston churchill, marilyn monroe, hitler, and einstein, because they seemed to be the most famous people of all.

he watched tv shows about them and other not quite so famous people, when he knew they were on.

and he read books about them from the library. there was no shortage of books, especially about his favorites.

one day randolph was at a discount store and he noticed some blank diaries on sale and he bought one for 79 cents.

he began keeping a diary, then a set of separate diaries.

he made at least one entry in one of the diaries every night .

he ended up with seven diaries, one for each day of the week.

he did not record the events, such as they were, of his life in the diaries, but only his thoughts on different matters.

in each of the seven diaries he recorded a different set of thoughts.

on mondays - on life.

tuesdays - on love.

wednesdays - on death.

thursdays - on fame.

fridays - on reality and illusion

saturdays - on history

sundays - on children and animals

randolph kept the diaries for many years and they began to take up space.

then he suddenly died.


how do you think randolph’s story should end?

a) the diaries were discovered by the cleaning people hired by his landlord, and they threw them out and they were never read by anybody.

b) the diaries were all destroyed, except one of the ones on fame, which was kept and taken home by jerri smith, one of the cleaning people, who found it quite amusing and posted some of it on facebook.

c) his half-sister, a mrs elena mcgreevy, turned out to exist and she came and took the diaries. she read them assiduously, and often read them aloud to her five children and nine grandchildren, who tolerated this curious behavior with much eye-rolling.

d) jerri smith took all the diaries, began posting portions of them on facebook and on her blog, and they developed a small cult following.

e) elena mcgreevy, after winning ten million dollars in a state lottery, published all the diaries in book form at her own expense, and after a slow start, randolph’s fame began to spread over the world, especially in south america and parts of africa.

f) randolph becomes the most famous prophet of the age, with “centers” as well as places openly calling themselves “churches” promulgating his wisdom all over the world. as caretakers of his teachings, jerri smith and/or elena mcgreevy become the richest persons on earth.

g) differences arise between jerri smith and elena mcgreevy as to the correct interpretations of randolph's words. they denounce each other as false prophets, and religious wars break out all over earth.

h) with the long-awaited space age finally taking shape, randolph’s teachings overshadow all others - of christianity, islam, buddha, confucius, marx, etc - in spreading from earth to other worlds.

i) religious wars break out through the universe. randolphism, with canny alliances formed by elena mcgreevy's great granddaughter randi jo mcgreevy, hold their own against the other militant faiths.

j) in a final armageddon, the followers of randolph battle the followers of the nameless god of the betelgeusians for control of the soul of the ever expanding universe…

No comments:

Post a Comment