novel 88 - 8. diplomacy

by nick nelson

part 8 of 25

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the two policepersons ignored the neanderthal and the troglodyte-3 and confronted alberto. are you alberto xxv, emperor of greater portugal? the heavier of the two demanded. on my good days, albertp replied. what is this all about? you are a subject of interest to the department of confluence and your information is needed. needed for what? are you serious? i warn you again, do not trifle with us. i invoke my diplomatic status as emperor of greater portugal. i decline to waive my status as such, and if you wish to detain me you will need authorization from the department of imperial oversight and coordination. the two policepersons conferred in low voices. the heavier one seemed mildly annoyed , his slender companion bored. they briefly consulted their phones. very well, said the heavy one. expect to hear from us again. for the record, i am mr outsource, and my partner here is mr downsize, they left. when the door had closed behind them, the neanderthal and the troglodyte-3 laughed. what nonsense! the troglofyte-3 exclaimed. how happy it is, not to be human! the neanderthal nodded in agreement. you get used to it, alberto shrugged, now, where were we? you were going to buy me a coffee and donut. coffee and donut? the marriage lottery. oh right, the marriage lottery. what are you guys’ names, by the way? i am nick, said the neanderthal. and i am tony, said the troglodyte-e. nick and tony, got it. next

novel 88 - 7. a cup of coffee

by nick nelson

part 7 of 25

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alberto was casually scanning the personal ads in his local weekly newsfeed when a curious one caught his eye. men! - marriage lottery , it read. enter to win a wife - only one dollar! there was a link, presumably to this lottery, but no other contact information. alberto was seated in a coffee shop around the corner from the welfare office. the coffee shop was small, with only five tables and a counter where a troglodyte-3 dispensed the coffee . a few small pastries were also for sale. there was one other patron in the coffee shop, a neanderthal seated two tables away from alberto. my friend, alberto addressed the neanderthal, how would you like to earn a free cup of coffee? i would like it very much, i have been sitting here all day waiting for someone to offer me one. do you have a phone? of course i have a phone. a free one, provided by the department? what else would i have? very well, go into today’s personal ads in the city gazette and find the one for men! - marriage lottery, and click on the link it shows. why do you not do it yourself? i am a billionaire in disguise - and i do not want the u b tracking my every curious impulse. you are only a neanderthal, and neither the u b nor anything or anybody else cares what you think or do. i would not be so sure of that - or that that they are not tracking your every impulse, curious or not. in any event, it is not a very nice thing to say, that nobody cares what i think or do. do you want the cup of coffee or not? buy me a chocolate cupcake too. deal! now, just go in to the city gazette page and bring up the personal ads. i want my coffee and donut first. why, don’t you trust me? i know what you humans are like. i have been down this road before. the troglodyte-3 behind the counter had been following the conversaton between alberto and the neanderthal with rapt interest, and at a nod from alberto asked the neanderthal, how would you like your coffee? at that moment, the door of the coffee shop opened and a gust of rain blew in, followed by two members of the security police, in their trademark gray trench coats and dark brown fedoras. next

novel 88 - 6. suggestions 11 - 14

by nick nelson

part 6 of 25

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dear joe, how are you coming along? i hope the suggestions i sent you before were helpful. here are four more. 11. robin hood was sleeping under a tree in sherwood forest when he was suddenly shaken awake by rough but familiar hands. friar tuck and little john were standing over him. they had their mules with them, and the mules were loaded down but good. what are you hombres up to? robin asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes. we are on our way to the holy land to join good king richard, friar tuck replied. care to come along? __________________ 12. nestor had just moved into the old house when he heard a knock on the front door. who can that be? he wondered. can it be neighbors? he did not think neighbors still existed, except in golden age movies and syndicated tv shows. __________________ 13. alberto was casually scanning the personal ads in his local weekly newspaper when a curious one caught his eye. men! - marriage lottery , it read. enter to win a wife - only one dollar! __________________ 14.. a —s — k — a, the chief read off the initials. what do you think they mean? he asked corrigan. i don’t know, but i can guess, corrigan replied. let’s hear it. against - serial - killer - assassins aren’t serial killers assassins by definition? what does that mean? against the assassins of serial killers. oh. so it has come to this, has it? the chief shook his gray head. __________________ hope these help. sincerely, sebastian dream next

novel 88 - 5. jake

by nick nelson

part 5 of 25

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you thought you had it made, didn’t you, jake? but something has gone wrong, hasn’t it? just like it always does. one little thing trips you up. just like it tripped up all the great men whose lives you love to read books and watch movies about - julius caesar, hannibal, genghis khan, napoleon, hitller - they were all tripped up by one thing. and now it is your turn. * it all began on a foggy night when jake was reading one of his favorite books - harold lamb’s book about alexander the great. there was a loud knock on his door. who can that be, jake thought, my visit from the welfare department is not for another eleven days. he put his book down on the floor beside his worn out “easy chair” and opened the door. a heavy set man and a thin woman stared at him - the man with more a bit hostility than the woman. they both wore heavy overcoats and fedoras. although it was not that cold outside. they looked like police, but then, most people were in the police one way ot the other, either full time or volunteers are you jake johnson? the man asked in a surprisingly soft voice. that is what i call myself, jake answered. calls himself! the woman laughed. what have we here? we are from the identity police, the man said. we can show you our badges if you like. or you can call information and verify us, the woman added. that won’t be necessary, jake replied, but there must be some mistake, as i do not have any identity. do you mind if we come in? the man asked. not at all. but i do not have anything to offer you in the manner of refreshments, or any comfortable places to sit. or much light, the woman added, looking around the tiny apartment, but that is all right, we are used to it in our line of work. i am mister outside, the man said, and this is ms inside. ms inside closed the door behind her. jake sat down in his chair. he turned the brightness up on the lamp beside the chair. do you know, or have you ever heard of, a man named henry fuller? mr outside asked. no. are you sure? it is a pretty common name. i do not know many people. he is a serial killer. i do not know much about serial killers. really? that is not what our records show, ms inside confidently asserted. what? what are you talking about? our records show that you are an avid collector of books about serial killers. what? that is just not true. ms inside walked past jake’s chair to his small but overflowing bookcase. mind if i take a look at these? be my guest. next

novel 88 - 4. mary

by nick nelson

part 4 of 25

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pope innocent xx wakes up in the middle of the night and decides he does want to be pope any more. he gets up and gets dressed and packs his smallest suitcase. he leaves his room. outside in the corridor, the swiss guard appears to be asleep, as usual. pope innocent scribbles a note on a piece of paper from a small notebook he always carries in his pocket and slips the note into the shirt pocket of the sleeping guard. but the guard is not really asleep. she has been briefed by the vizier that the pope will try to escape and to let him get away. the guard keeps her eyes closed until the sound of the pope’s shuffling footsteps die away. she opens her eyes and the pope is gone, presumably down the stairs of the emergency exit to the right of the elevator. she clicks a red button on a phone attached to her left wrist, and then falls asleep, this time for real. the guard’s name is mary real, and she was born on a mountaintop in china, when the world was young, or at least younger than it is now. when she was six tears old, all the members of the village except herself were killed by a mysterious disease. news and details of the disease were hidden from the world by the rulers of the earth, and mary was kindly taken in by the pope - at that time pope john xliv. john xliv was a kindly soul who spent his days baking chocolate cookies - many of them in the form of saints and emperors and other heroes and heroines of humanity’s glorious history. the years passed peacefully until mary was twelve years old, at which time the old pope died, genghis iv invaded europe and civilization collapsed for the seventh time. a stable boy named gustav, who had sung in the choir with mary, was named pope by the local government appointed by genghis iv. mary and several other children who had sung in the choir and been tutored by the old pope, were placed in the swiss guard. life went on more or less peacefully until gustav, now pope innocent xx, fell in with a bad crowd who plotted against the new government of genghis iv. pope innocent xx was placed under house arrest and told he could keep his title and be given three meals a day as long as he played ball with the new government who meant business and did not give out second chances, not even to popes. in addition to her duties in the swiss guard, mary lived a secret life. next

novel 88 - 3. the job

by nick nelson

part 3 of 25

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charles lindbergh needed a job. he had not had any luck finding one, and he was desperate. he saw an ad online, in one of the more obscure generic websites the ad read: employees wanted. no qualifications or experience necessary. resumes not required. employees required to sign a two year contract, and to remain with employer for the full two years. no further information provided to employee prior to employment. no pay - food and clothing provided. no healthcare, pension, or benefits. all applicants accepted. reply to job256389@chump.org. or stand at the corner of washington and main sts, cincinnati oh any night between 12 am and 2 am what have i got to lose, charles thought. he could not afford a plane or bus ticket to cincinnati, or the gas to drive there, so he answered the ad online. to job256389@chump.org: hello, my name is charles lindbergh. i am replying to the ad on your website seeking employees. i am willing to sign a two year contract under the terms you describe, do you require any information about me? please let me know and i will provide it. i am desperate, and have no pride and no shame. sincerely, charleslindbergh @————————.com. after sending the email, charles told his wife becky what he had done. i like it, she told him, whatever happens to you, i will be rid of you, and that will be something, at least. i understand, charles replied, subduedly. next

novel 88 - 2. suggestions - continued

by nick nelson

part 2 of 25

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6. adam was walking down the road when suddenly he met eve. what are you doing here? he asked her belligerently. i could ask you the same thing, she replied saucily. you are going in the wrong direction, he continued, studiously ignoring her tone, there is nothing behind me, that is why i am proceeding north, as you see. i will be the judge of that, eve answered in a more measured tone of voice. perhaps there are things i will see that you did not, or that i can make use of that you could not. suit yourself. step aside then, and let me pass. the road is wide as well as long, will it wear you out to walk around me? eve laughed. you always have to argue, do you not? goodbye. and adam stepped around eve, and continued heading north, toward the ice and wind and snow. ___ _____________________- 7. harriet was a polite and well-bred person, and was in the habit of striking up polite conversations with complete strangers, even somewhat shabby and scary ones. harriet worked as a maid in a barely respectable downtown hotel, working the 4 pm to midnight shift, and took the last cable car home to her furnished room on california street. one chilly night she was riding home and there was one other passenger on the car, a man in a heavy coat several sizes too large for him and with a broad brimmed hat pulled down over his face but not concealing his long pointed nose. he looks familiar, harriet thought, familiar like a cartoon character - a comic villain. a bit cool tonight, isn’t it? harriet addressed the man. the man did not reply, and harriet decided he was not the talkative type. she never persisted in conversations if the person she spoke yo did not respond. ___________________________________________________ 8. you thought you had it made, didn’t you, jake? but something has gone wrong, hasn’t it? just like it always does. just like it tripped up all the great men whose lives you love to read books and watch movies about - julius caesar, hannibal, genghis khan, napoleon, hitller - they were all tripped up by one thing. and bow it is your turn. _____________________________________________ 9. carl wilson came home one night and was not greatly surprised to find that his wife had left him, as he had been expecting it for some time. he decided that a modest celebration was in order. carl believed in moderation in all things - something the departed joseohine had always professed to hold against him - so he poured himself half a glass of wine. ___________________________________________________ 10. every time margaret brindage looked out of her window, she saw something new and horrifying, so she turned on her television set for reassurance, because on the television nothing ever changed. how different it had been when she was a child, when life was boring and one did the same things every day, and the television - and the movies - provided excitement and respite from the boredom. right now, below her window, a motley group of indescribable people were chanting - death to……! _________________________________________________ well joe, i hope these help you out. please let me know if you have any questions, or if you need any more suggestions. plenty more where those came from. sincerely, sebastian dream sincerely, sebastian dream next