Tuesday, October 11, 2016


by emily de villaincourt

illustrations by danny delacroix

janey stood in front of the window, looking happy.

she felt happy, and she was happy.

she had a boy friend. joey.

and he loved her. only her.

like she loved only him, and always would.

her stupid sister, megan, was jealous.

ha, ha! well, poo on her. she didn’t even have a boy friend, and probably never would.

with her fat ass and her scrunchy face and her stupid jokes that didn’t make any sense and that nobody laughed at.

megan came into the room and saw janey standing at the window, looking happy.

“what are you looking at, with that dumb face?” megan asked.

“nothing. and what do you care?”

“thinking about your stupid boy friend?”

“maybe. and he’s not stupid.”

megan smirked. “mom told me what you asked. about inviting him over for dinner. dinner! ha, ha!”

“i don’t see what is so wrong with that. it’s what people do.”

megan fluttered her hands and stuck her nose in the air. “oh, chawles,” she intoned. “i do believe we should invite lord and lady pitbull over for dinner! tell the maid to polish the best candlesticks! it will be divine!”

“what do you care?” janey repeated, looking out the window.

“i don’t want him eating my share of the pizza, that’s what i care.”

“don’t worry, miss piggy, you can have your whole pizza. and all your fries, too. joey will share mine, it’s not a problem."

“you sure about that?” megan drawled in her most asshole way.

“of course. he loves me.” janey almost regretted saying it as soon as the words were in the air.

“ha, ha, ha! how do you know he loves you? can you read his mind?"

“i just know. when you actually have a boy friend you just know these things.”

“oh, that’s a great answer. can you crawl inside his head and see what’s in there? hmmm?”

“we don’t have to crawl inside each other’s heads.”

“no, he just wants to crawl inside your pantaloons.”

mom came into the room. “what are you two fighting about now? i could hear you down in the laundry room.”

megan rolled her eyes. “oh, we were just discussing dinner, don’t you know?”

“yes, fatso doesn’t want to give up any of her hard-earned deep crust.”

“i already settled that,” mom said. “we will have chinese instead of pizza, it’s easier to split up, and we always have some left over anyway.”

mom had told megan of her conversation with janey about joey’s visit, and megan had found it hilarious.

“can we have joey over for dinner?” janey had asked.

“dinner? we were going to have pizza, i suppose he can have some if he wants. does he need a whole pizza for himself? is he that much of a growing boy?”

“i thought maybe we could have a real dinner. you know, like cook something.”

cook something?” mom stared at janey. “you mean on a stove?”

“we do have a stove, you know,” janey said.

“i know, but i’ve never used it. the fucking thing would probably blow up if i tried to use it now, it’s been so long.”

“i just thought ——“ . janey didn’t know exactly what she thought. “maybe we could peel potatoes or something…”

“peel potatoes? are you shitting me? i don’t know how to peel potatoes, do you?”

“no, but i’ve seen laura’s mom do it. she peels potatoes. she cooks.”

“yeah, well take a good look because i didn’t just turn into laura’s mom.”

and so forth. now mom felt kind of bad about telling megan about it.

“why don’t you both go to your rooms?” she asked now. “and get all calmed down before our friend joey arrives.”

“but we were having such a stimulating discussion,” megan protested, “all about loooo-ve.”

“you can talk about love some other time.”

“she knows that joey loves her, even though she can’t read his mind. what do you think of that?”

“i do know it, stupid.” janey looked at mom. “and why should i have to go to my room, i was here first.”

“but she’s calling names, not me. she called me fatso and she called me stupid.”

“but i know you must have been ragging on her, the way you do. so why don’t you just go to your room, megan?”

“oh, all right. but, seriously, what do you think about that?”

“what do i think about what that?”

“that she knows brad pitt junior loves her.”

“um - um … she’s right, sometimes girls just know these things.”

“oh, bleeeagh! on that putrid note, i will leave you.”

that’s right, lardass, thought janey. go to your room and read your books, your stupid feminist books. you will never even have a boy friend. you will end up going to services at the unitarian church with the rest of the lesbians and feminists.

mom left the room too, leaving janey alone with her thoughts.

the years stretched endlessly before her. oh, how she could not wait until she could leave home and never look at either of them again. then they could talk about her behind her back to their little hearts' content.

everybody said it was hard to leave home in “today’s economy”, whatever that meant, but janey would show them.

meanwhile, she was happy.

because joey loved her.

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