novel 88 - 1. suggestions

by nick nelson

part 1 of 25

to begin at the beginning, click here

dear joe, thank you for your kind letter. i am always happy to help out my loyal fans in any way i can. here are a few suggestions for your novel. 1. pope innocent xx wakes up in the middle of the night and decides he does want to be pope any more. he gets up and gets dressed and packs his smallest suitcase. he leaves his room. outside in the corridor, the swiss guard appears to be asleep, as usual. pope innocent scribbles a note on a piece of paper he always carries in his pocket and slips it into the shirt pocket of the sleeping guard. but the guard is not really asleep. she has been briefed by the vizier that the pope will try to escape and to let him get away. ————— 2. aliens have conquered earth. they set about reconstructing human society. humans divide into two camps. those who welcome the reconstruction and wish to cooperate with the aliens. and those who resist the aliens. the first group are called greens. and the second group and called blues. andrea is a green girl. boris is a blue boy. andrea is walking down the street on her way to a rally in support of the aliens. it begins to rain. andrea slips stepping off a sidewalk and falls in a puddle. boris, on his way to a cell meeting of the resistance, sees andrea struggling to get up out of the puddle. _____________________ 3. davy crockett has lost his license as a trained deadly assassin. panhandling is beneath him, so he decides to rob the payroll of the new time and space center in the mongolian desert where professor isaac newton is building a new model time machine. but first he needs to get a good crew together. but before that he needs a drink. _________________________ 4. charles lindbergh needs a job. he has not had any luck finding one, and he is desperate. he sees an ad online, in one of the more obscure generic websites the ad reads: employees wanted. p> no qualifications or experience necessary. resumes not required. employees required to sign a two year contract, and to remain with employer for the full two years. no further information provided to employee prior to employment. no pay - food and clothing provided. no healthcare, pension, or benefits. all applicants accepted. reply to job256389@chump.org. or stand at the corner of washington and main sts, cincinnati oh any night between 12 am and 2 am __ ____________________________ 5. sally jones, a retired ribbon clerk, has used up the last of her meager savings. her rent is due. mr smith, who collects the rent, even though sally has never been sure whether or not he owns the building her room is in, has always seemed to her a rather nice gentleman, not at all the stereotype of an evil landlord. she decides to appeal to his better nature. she decides to tell him she will do anything - anything at all - if he allows her to remain in her room and not be forced out onto the street. ______________________________________ next

novel 88 - 0. dear mister dream

by nick nelson

part 0 of 25

dear mr dream, i know you have millions of fans, but believe me, i am your number one fan in the world. and i am desperate. maybe you can help me out. i have no money, no fame, and no respect. i have creditors - lots of creditors. i am the most miserable person in the world. well, you might say, why do i not simply take to the open road, or take to the hills, or “light out for the territory”, and start a new life? with all due respect, i do not think this is an option in the modern world where everybody needs an i d and a phone which allows then to be tracked every minute of every day, and where everybody is on a million databases. if i am wrong about this, i would be happy to be told where and how i am wrong. pending that, my best idea for a solution to my problems is what it has been all my life - to write a number one bestselling novel which will sell tens of millions of copies and be made into a number one grossing movie or series of movies or at the very least a tv miniseries. i know in my heart that i can do this, but there is one problem. i can not come up with an idea. i know that i can write a bestseller if i could just come with an idea. that is why i am appealing to you. i know you must have a million ideas, as you are the greatest and most successful writer in the world. if you could let me have one idea - just one - i will be eternally grateful. if you do not have time for the sorry likes of me, i understand. hoping to hear from you, sincerely, your greatest fan. joe lonelyroom next

emmeline

by hotrace p sternwall

emmeline was born, and raised in a home for surplus children. the home had a handy man named gustav, whom emmeline often assisted in his duties. in addition to sweeping up, and feeding the pigs and chickens, gustav was also a certified wise man, and holy man. his main teaching was always to be truthful, and he repeatedly impressed this on emmeline. the truth, always the truth. let its light shine in every corner, no matter how dark or humble. when emmeline left the home, her first job was busing tables at a restaurant. as she removed dishes from the tables and wiped the tables down, she would sing a little song: we are all going to die some day, we are all going to die some day. some patrons complained that they found this depressing, and emmeline was let go. but it’s true! she exclaimed, as she was shown the door. next she got a job as a maid in one of the decaying old houses on the outskirts of town. as she polished the silverware, she sang another song: no hope, no hope in the darkness we all grope hope is for dopes no hope, no hope i am sorry, emmeline, the housekeeper informed her, you do a fine job polishing the silverware and a better one polishing the glassware, but i can’t listen to you any longer, and you have to go. next emmeline got a job sweeping up at a beauty parlor. she would often remark to some of the older or less attractive customers - you are really wasting your time and money coning here , you know. you would be better off spending time at church or the library. she was quickly back at the employment agency, and so it went. after many years, emmeline found herself back in the neighborhood of the children’s home. she decided to look up gustav, and found he was still alive. as gray as a storm cloud over the antarctic, and as bent as a palm tree in a hurricane , but alive. how goes it, old fellow? she asked. still spreading the good word, and the light of truth? oh no! gustav exclaimed. i realized the error of my ways years ago. i do not know how i ever believed such nonsense, and feel bad about imposing it on impressionable youth. now you tell me, emmeline replied.

it's getting late

by hotrace p sternwall

adam had an apple he bit it with his teeth he looked upon the green grass and wondered, what’s beneath? eve gad a bunch of grapes she ate them one by one she was tired of adam because he was no fun cain looked at the sky a branch fell off a tree he picked it up and so invented weaponry abel was a gentle soul and was often seen to weep in a world of wolves he was a sheep noah liked animals and enjoyed their company on and under ground and in the trees omar was a tentmaker he was not very good his tents blew away in the rain but he did what he could peter was great but maybe not so much he headed down the road but said he would keep in touch the queen of sheba told me when i was just a child keep your silver in your pocket and your gold bricks in piles zorro had a sword yeti had a club king arthur had a towel and gave himself a rub

walter

by nick nelson

walter went back to the womb king tut went back to the tomb box went back to the boom robin hood rented a room the sheriff was on the trail of a man who told a tale his name was prester john he was the child of the dawn there’s a house by the side of the road you can enter with a secret code in the basement a treasure is hid that belonged to billy the kid when the roll is called up yonder wise men will be left to ponder civilizations’s detritus what was all the fuss? who was walter? you ask he never wore a mask or a blue suit with a yellow tie in the sweet bye and bye but he took his lumps down in the dumps where the mermaids wear plastic and trip the light fantastic

chair

by dog e relaford

i woke up this morning with a feeling of despair it was time to get up and sit in my chair and look out the window all day long and scratch my knees and sing my song i was once a pirate bold an arctic explorer braving the cold an adventurer with a hundred names and a master of all tricks and games an angel with a flaming sword a barbarian who was never bored a conqueror with a heart of steel a condemned man eating a last meal a dog waiting outside a door an elephant wandering on the shore of an ocean with a billion waves washing over a trillion graves of my enemies in the cool breeze in the endless deep i go back to sleep to wake in the morning with a feeling of despair with my clothes piled neatly on my chair and my shoes under my bed in my head

a strange dream

by anonymous

last night i had the strangest dream. i dreamed that the imperial department of civil effectiveness had issued a directive that all men were to be eliminated. a date was set. but when the day came, not a single man was eliminated. every man in the empire had switched his identity to transwoman. a few weeks later, the department dropped the prefix “trans” from the term "transwoman". now everybody in the empire was a woman. and lived happily ever after.