$62.89

by nick nelson

part one of ?

hank blueberry 5670-j-87 and sir lancelot 5636-d-07 lived on the 67th floor of building 6308 of a large american- euopean city. they never had much to say to each other. on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the least talkative and 10 the most talkative, hank was a 2.8 and lancelot was a 7.9. one day as they were passing in the corridor of the 67th floor, lancelot blurted out to hank - you should check your mail. i never get any mail, hank replied. i am not sure i still have a mailbox, you have one. ask roger to help you find it if you need help. you might be surprised at what you find. it might be worth your while. hank just grunted. but he had nothing better to do, so later that day, he did as lancelot suggested. * dear hank blueberry 5670-j-87, [ perhaps you have heard of me. my name is flatfoot floogie, and i was, until this morning as i write this, the richest man on earth. but i have taken a vow of of poverty, and have decided to take my obscene wealth and divide it up equally among all the inhabitants of this unfortunately mismanaged planet. i had a total of $701,895,054, 345. 93 in my bank account when i withdrew it effective 6:43 am greenwich time this morning. and the planet had a population of 10,678, 443, 532 persons when i withdrew it. this amounts to $65.73 per person. unfortunately, the cost per person of printing and mailing the checks amounts to $2.84 per person, reducing the amount per check to $62.89. your check is enclosed. there are no conditions attached to it by myself. if you attempt to purchase anything with it deemed illegal by your local authorities, that is your lookout. please do not attempt to reply to this letter, as by the time you receive it, i will be practicing my vow of poverty, perhaps on a mountaintop, perhaps under a tree, in a hopefully undisclosable location. sincerely, brother y-27 , formerly known as flatfoot floogie. * hank stared at the check. was it real? he would find out, but was in no hurry to do so. he supposed something about it would be in the news, whether it was real or not. would he bother cashing it, if it was real? maybe. he could aways use it as a bookmark. to be continued?

emmeline

by hotrace p sternwall

emmeline was born, and raised in a home for surplus children. the home had a handy man named gustav, whom emmeline often assisted in his duties. in addition to sweeping up, and feeding the pigs and chickens, gustav was also a certified wise man, and holy man. his main teaching was always to be truthful, and he repeatedly impressed this on emmeline. the truth, always the truth. let its light shine in every corner, no matter how dark or humble. when emmeline left the home, her first job was busing tables at a restaurant. as she removed dishes from the tables and wiped the tables down, she would sing a little song: we are all going to die some day, we are all going to die some day. some patrons complained that they found this depressing, and emmeline was let go. but it’s true! she exclaimed, as she was shown the door. next she got a job as a maid in one of the decaying old houses on the outskirts of town. as she polished the silverware, she sang another song: no hope, no hope in the darkness we all grope hope is for dopes no hope, no hope i am sorry, emmeline, the housekeeper informed her, you do a fine job polishing the silverware and a better one polishing the glassware, but i can’t listen to you any longer, and you have to go. next emmeline got a job sweeping up at a beauty parlor. she would often remark to some of the older or less attractive customers - you are really wasting your time and money coning here , you know. you would be better off spending time at church or the library. she was quickly back at the employment agency, and so it went. after many years, emmeline found herself back in the neighborhood of the children’s home. she decided to look up gustav, and found he was still alive. as gray as a storm cloud over the antarctic, and as bent as a palm tree in a hurricane , but alive. how goes it, old fellow? she asked. still spreading the good word, and the light of truth? oh no! gustav exclaimed. i realized the error of my ways years ago. i do not know how i ever believed such nonsense, and feel bad about imposing it on impressionable youth. now you tell me, emmeline replied.

a strange dream

by anonymous

last night i had the strangest dream. i dreamed that the imperial department of civil effectiveness had issued a directive that all men were to be eliminated. a date was set. but when the day came, not a single man was eliminated. every man in the empire had switched his identity to transwoman. a few weeks later, the department dropped the prefix “trans” from the term "transwoman". now everybody in the empire was a woman. and lived happily ever after.