zero plus nothing equals - 9. bunky

by jeremy witherington

part nine of 31

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warren hastings, the third richest man in the world, was getting out of his limousine one morning in front of his office building, when he decided to have a little fun. what he considered in his strangely inaccessible brain to be fun. he took a magic marker out of his pocket and wrote on the side of the building - bunky is smiling. debbie willis johnson, an aspiring journalist and photographer captured the moment. harrison walker, a personal assistant to mr hastings, who followed him out the limousine , considered the message on the wall and decided to leave it as it was and hastened after him into the building. what were the make and model of the limousine? let me get back to you on that. the rest of the morning passed peacefully. mr hastings did what he did and harrison walker assisted him in doing it. bunky was forgoten. except by debbie willis johnson. harrison walker went to lunch with gorgeous george mathews, warren hastings’s chief of staff, and mentioned in passing the curious incident of the morning in which mr hastings had written his whimsical (?) message on the side of the building. george mathews wasted no time in calling one of his underlings and giving him or her their marching orders. harrison and george resumed attacking their salads. and there the matter might have rested. sam o’neil, the city editor of the gazette, was not much interested in debbie willis johnson’s story. but he wished to get into debbie’s good graces, so he purchased her photo of mr hastings message on the building wall for a modest sum. debbie was short of loose cash and happy to get the money. and there the matter might have rested. later that afternoon, after a not particularly delicate negotiation with some unscupulous rascals from asia, george mathews casually asked warren hastings - who is bunky? bunky? mr hastings asked with a great show of bewilderment - i don’t know anybody named bunky. nobody in the 21st century is named bunky. you watch too many old movies. they will rot your bran. and then where will you be? george made a mental note to have the message removed from the side of the building. next

zero plus nothing equals - 8. the apple

by jeremy witherington

part eight of 31

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an apple fell from a tree a banana grew on a second tree a cat climbed a third a dog walked around a fourth eddie had a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich frank had a mushroomburger with spicy fries gloria went for a walk around the block but she was in no hurry i wish i had better news to give you jerry rushed into the cafeteria he knew something the others did not their luck was about to change - not necessarily for the better maybe some day things will be different nobody knows anything eddie and frank and gloria all went back to the office jerry patiently waited for his two hot dogs and then hurried after them the street was strangely quiet roberta, the branch manager, raised her eyebrows at jerry when he finally arrived roberta suspected jerry of being a snitch but tomorrow will get here soon enough unless it does not eddie and frank took the news in stride, but gloria played the victim card who is anybody to criticize her? except me and you of course the young always laugh at the old - it is nature’s way zoroaster was a prophet who lived a log time ago maybe he liked apples maybe he never saw a banana in his life next

zero plus nothing equals - 7. frank

by jeremy witherington

part seven of 31

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frank woke up. he got up. he made himself a ham and cheese sandwich. he noticed he was running low on ham and on cheese, although he still had almost a whole loaf of bread, because he had bought two for one on a special sale the last time he ordered. but he was out of mustard, and also of ketchup. after he finished the sandwich and washed it down with a cup of water, he decided to go down to pop’s store and buy some ham and cheese and mustard and maybe even some ketchup. he put his shoes and hat on. he turned the handle of the door to the hallway. but the door did not open. then it hit him like a thunderbolt. of course. it was the _________ century. if he needed anything, he had to request it on the intercom. he went over to the intercom, which was located beside his water tap, and pressed the button. how may i help you, the voice intoned silkily. frank often dreamed that the voice belonged to a real human female woman, like glenda back in the day. he almost said, hi, baby, it has been a long time. but instead he said, i want to go down to pop’s store and buy some ham and cheese and mustard. the correct terminology is go down to pop’s store to buy some ham and cheese and mustard, the voice intoned silkily. i am just a regular guy, frank responded testily, i used to ride the rails with ambrose bierce and geronimo and jack london. be that as it may, the voice replied without missing a beat, the door is closed until zero zero zero one, you may make requests for ham and cheese at that time. mustard is seasonal, and not requestable at this time. thank you. goodbye. frank hung his head in despair. he pressed the button on the waterspout and pushed himself a cup of water and drank it down in one gulp. it was all so sad. not like the old days,riding the rails free as a bird between omaha nebraska and yuma arizona with doc and the kid and jake. and meeting glenda down by the old mill stream. would those days ever return? and what about ____ next

zero plus nothing equals - 6. william wilson

br> by jeremy witherington

part six of 31

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an empty road, going nowhere. an empty horizon. a cloudless sky. a man walks along the empty toad, toward the empty horizon. he is a strange man. he has one gray eye and one blue eye. the gray eye is cold and menacing. the blue eye is sad and lonely. he wears a hat which is tilted on his head and comes down over the sad blue eye so that only the cold and menacing gray eye would be visible to anyone he chanced to meet on the road. the left side of the hat is green and has a red feather stuck in it. the right side of the hat is brown and is adorned with a button saying “you don’t know me”. the man wears a long black coat which comes down to his shoes. the coat was formerly black but has turned gray and is stained with wind and rain and with ketchup, mustard and turkey gravy. the man walks along. the empty horizon does not get any closer. what is the man’s name? it is william wilson. he once knew better days, he was the middleweight judo champion of the world. and the most successful screenwriter in the world. and the biggest drug dealer in the world. and the emperor of the universe. it all began to come apart one night when he was hanging outside the club paradise talking to some other beautiful people besides himself. this punk came along and thought he could mess with william wilson when the sun went down and darkness covered the earth. the punk’s name was billy. not billy the kid or billy the anything, just billy. billy had a girl back home in sioux city iowa named sally jane. next

zero plus nothing equals - 5. eddie and mabel

by jeremy witherington

part five of 31

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eddie woke up. he rolled over and went back to sleep he had a dream where he was walking across a desert approaching a city filled with gas stations. the whole city was gas stations and nothing but gas stations. eddie had never worked in a gas station before. he was more of a pizza delivery guy. he knew how to deliver pizza. you got outside and around and sometimes met some interesting people. not that often, but sometimes. and sometimes you got some big tips. again not that often but sometimes. and sometimes delivering pizza you met women, or so he heard from some of the other guys like frank, or so they said. the women eddie delivered to just paid him and sometimes gave him a reasonably good tip, but that was that. and usually there was a guy already there, a husband or boy friend or whatever. not that eddie was calling frank a liar or anything like that. be all that as it may, eddie was standing beside a gas pump at one of the gas stations in the city full of gas stations. and a fat lady with a name tag on her gas station uniform shirt that said her name was mabel came out of the gas station office and stared at eddie. eddie wondered what was going on, because he had never actually met anybody named mabel, or seen or heard the name anywhere except in a movie or a comic book. you looking for work, big guy? mabel asked eddie. no one had ever addressed eddie as “big guy” before, as far as he could remember. sure, why not? eddie answered promptly. maybe a little too promptly. what kind of answer is that? mabel retorted with a slight frown on her chubby face. i just mean i’m game, that’s all. i am more of a pizza delivery guy than a gas station guy, but i can take anything you throw my way. i am glad to hear that. i am glad you are glad to hear that. so what is it all about? what is anything all about? i think you might be just what the proverbial doctor ordered, mister pizza delivery guy. eddie just nodded a bit as he did not know quite to say in this curious situation. come on in to the office and we can talk turkey, mabel said drily. eddie followed her in to the office. looks like it might rain, eddie offered as mabel took a seat at a little desk in the office. it doesn’t rain much around here. next

zero plus nothing equals - 4. the desert

by jeremy witherington

part four of 31

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> ' billy jones woke up. he rolled over and went back to sleep he had a dream in which he was walking down a dark road. the road led to a desert and continued across the desert. a mountain loomed on the horizon and the road pointed to it. what is the point, billy wondered, of putting a road across the desert pointing to a mountain when you can see the mountain for yourself and just head for it. he soon got his answer. the road stopped and there was nothing but sand between him and the mountain. the sand got in his boots. the boots he had paid five silver dollars for back in tombstone. just so folks would think he was billy the kid, not just plain old billy jones. but it had not worked out. people just laughed at him. he tried to join the smith gang, but they just laughed at him and called him a punk and a tenderfoot. he didn’t know what a punk was, but he was no tenderfoot. he asked mister henry morgan, the proprietor of the general store, if he could get a job sweeping up, but mister morgan just laughed at him. he told ernestine fallover, the clerk at mister morgan’s store and the prettiest gal in town that she was the prettiest gal in town and she did not exactly laugh at him but just said - yes of course i am the prettiest girl in town, who else did you have in mind? and buck bangover and grandpa givens over at the stove and the cracker barrel laughed fit to bust. and now he had sand in his boots! billy woke up. it was stil dark. he did not know how long he had been awake. or how long he had been alive. trapped in this town. trapped on this planet. hunted down like a gorilla escaped from the circus. in the wind and rain. across the desert. with the moon behind a cloud and sand in his boots. next

zero plus nothing equals - 3 . treasure

by jeremy witherington

part three of 31

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> albert albertson woke up. he got up. they think everything is a joke, he mused. and yet i am still here. i wonder why. the quality of my life has been mediocre from the start. and yet i began with every advantage. i was invited by fate to conquer the world. my name is albert, but my friends call me buddy. there are many versions of my life available. here is one that i remember. my parents were deep sea divers who spent their lives seeking lost treasure. i grew up expecting a miraculous twist of fate to transform our lives at any moment. but i really understood nothing. i see i am boring you - i will try to get to the point and tell a good story. roger jones was my best friend. sam brown was my worst enemy. imagine my surprise and chagrin when they teamed up against me and deprived me of what was rightfully mine. just when i thought i had it made. my parents had died when their little boat was sunk off the coast of madagascar in a sudden storm when they were searching for the treasure of captain lloyd, one of the more obscure pirates of the golden age of piracy. at the time i was enrolled at a jesuit school in the south of france. when mr tompkins, the lawyer, visited the school to inform me of my parents’ passing, he brought me a box of old maps, which was my only inheritance. the maps were faded with age, and many were barely intelligible. roger was my best pal at the school, and he had all the money in the world. i showed him the maps. roger kindly offered to continuing paying for me to finish the school year. but when the year was over we would set out to find some treasure. he would pay all the expenses, and we would split the earnings fifty-fifty. next