6 stories by 6 authors

illustrations by palomine studios

apples by a b chenille joe was a regular guy like you and me. one morning he woke up and he had been turned into an apple pie! holy shit, thought joe, i’ve turned into an apple pie! what do i do now? joe was pondering his fate when the door opened and his buddies jack, hal, and steve came in. “where’s joe?” asked jack curiously. “i don’t know,” hal replied offhandedly, “ but that pie sure looks good.” “think joe would care if we ate some of it?” steve asked dubiously. “fuck him, ” said jack, “if he didn’t want us to eat it he shouldn’t have left it out like that.” “that’s right,” hal agreed eagerly. “if he didn’t want us to eat it he should have put it in the refrigerator.” “speaking of the refrigerator,” esponded steve, “ let’s see if there’s any beer in it.” hal and jack agreed wholeheartedly, and they began eating the pie and drinking the beer. “this is pretty good,” said jack with a loud belch. “too bad joe isn’t here to enjoy it.” “i hope he doesn’t get too mad.” said steve. “but if he does the three of us together ought to be able to kick his ass.” those are friends for you. they never suspected that the pie was joe! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! *

banana by bart driscoll mike was just a guy. he could be kind of a pussy sometimes, but who isn’t these days? one day he woke up and he had been turned into a banana! what the fuck! who wants to be turned into a banana? then the door opened and michelle waked in. she lived across the hall. she was not exactly mike’s girl friend though she could act halfway civilized sometimes but mostly she was a real ballbuster. “mike are you in here? the door was unlocked so i just walked in,” she announced in that way she had. then she saw the banana lying on the couch in front of the tv. not knowing it was mike, she picked it up and began flipping it up and down in her hand. when she could not find mike - because she did not realize the banana was mike - she went back to her own apartment, taking the banana with her. i bet you thought there was more, but that is all there is. *

crybaby by corinne delmonico constance and darius were married, nobody was sure why. darius was not sure himself. curiosity about women, maybe? he was not really that curious about women, or about much of anything else either. and even if he was, how could he be sure constance was a typical woman? constance had married darius because she liked the big old house he had inherited from his grandparents. she especially like the high ceilinged library and conservatory, where she could spend her days reading the novels of anya seton and frances parkington keyes and danielle steel. one cold rainy day constance was sitting in her favorite chair rereading dragonwyck by anya seton. darius was sitting on the sofa not too far from her, something he did not often dare to do. it was raining too hard for him to go outside and attend to his tomato and rhubarb plants. suddenly he started to cry. “what are you blubbering about?” constance demanded. “i’m just - i’m just so unhappy,” darius told her. “well, find something to be happy about. and get out of my sight, please, until you can turn off the waterworks.” “can’t you say something nice to me - just once?” “no.” without a word darius got up and left the room. outside in the rain a crow began cawing. *

ducks by nicoletta nelson doreen and her three sisters were feeding the ducks. their mother lurked nearby smoking a cigarette. doreen tossed a piece of bread in the direction of the ducks. “you’re doing it wrong, stupid,” alice told her. “yes, you are supposed to just drop it in the water, not throw it at them,” added bethany. “you don’t want to frighten the poor things,” smirked camille. then all three joined in a big screechy laugh at their own wit. doreen started to cry, which only increased their hilarity. mom dropped her butt and ground it out under her heel. “what are you all making so much noise about?” “they hate me!” doreen cried. “they hate me! why do they always pick on me?” “they are just having a little fun,” mom drawled. “but why? why do they hate me? i’m a nice person, or try to be. i’m not too ugly. i don’t smell bad.” “you’re boring and stupid, stupid,” said alice, and bethany and camille chortled. doreen appealed to her mother again. “why are they mean to me?’ “it’s just the way people are. they have to be mean to somebody. get over it.” “i’m going to run away!” doreen cried. “i'm going to run away and sell my soul to the devil!” “go for it,” mom told her, as she lit her tenth virginia slim of the day. doreen ran away from the pond. on the other side of the pond, the devil was sitting on a park bench. he took another lick of his strawberry ice cream cone and smiled. *

exposed by francis t flynn jr edward perkins was the most disgusting person on earth. he had managed to keep this a secret from the rest of the human race. one day edward woke up and made himself his usual cup of coffee with peanut butter in it. then he turned on his computer. on the news he read that a new device had been unveiled which could read the minds of all the humans and other primates and mammals in the world and that the contents of all their minds had been downloaded on to the cloud and could now be accessed by anybody. edward was horrified. he had no place to hide. in a panic he rushed into the hallway of his apartment building. donna dorsey, his next door neighbor, was standing outside her door weeping and wringing her hands. “what is the matter, ms dorsey?” edward asked. “oh - oh - i am the most evil person on earth and now everybody will know it!” she wailed. suddenly the door to buck jackson’s apartment burst open, and buck stood before them, wild-eyed. “i’m the most fucked-up person on earth and now everybody knows it,” he stated simply, shaking his head. edward could hear doors opening and people shouting through the whole building. what new horrors were to be revealed? *

funny by h desrollers felipe and gary were sitting on a park bench near grants tomb. a woman with a big ass walked by. they both watched her and her ass until she was out of sight. “you know it’s funny,” said gary, “but with all the people in the world, there are exactly 50 percent men and 50 percent women. ever think about that?” “um - i don’t think that is exactly right,” felipe told him. “i read someplace it was more like 51 percent women and 49 percent men." “is that so?” gary looked puzzled and thought about felipe’s revelation. “then how come women don’t take over the world?” “i don’t know, man, they just don’t.” *