novel 88 - 5. jake

by nick nelson

part 5 of ?

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you thought you had it made, didn’t you, jake? but something has gone wrong, hasn’t it? just like it always does. one little thing trips you up. just like it tripped up all the great men whose lives you love to read books and watch movies about - julius caesar, hannibal, genghis khan, napoleon, hitller - they were all tripped up by one thing. and now it is your turn. * it all began on a foggy night when jake was reading one of his favorite books - harold lamb’s book about alexander the great. there was a loud knock on his door. who can that be, jake thought, my visit from the welfare department is not for another eleven days. he put his book down on the floor beside his worn out “easy chair” and opened the door. a heavy set man and a thin woman stared at him - the man with more a bit hostility than the woman. they both wore heavy overcoats and fedoras. although it was not that cold outside. they looked like police, but then, most people were in the police one way ot the other, either full time or volunteers are you jake johnson? the man asked in a surprisingly soft voice. that is what i call myself, jake answered. calls himself! the woman laughed. what have we here? we are from the identity police, the man said. we can show you our badges if you like. or you can call information and verify us, the woman added. that won’t be necessary, jake replied, but there must be some mistake, as i do not have any identity. do you mind if we come in? the man asked. not at all. but i do not have anything to offer you in the manner of refreshments, or any comfortable places to sit. or much light, the woman added, looking around the tiny apartment, but that is all right, we are used to it in our line of work. i am mister outside, the man said, and this is ms inside. ms inside closed the door behind her. jake sat down in his chair. he turned the brightness up on the lamp beside the chair. do you know, or have you ever heard of, a man named henry fuller? mr outside asked. no. are you sure? it is a pretty common name. i do not know many people. he is a serial killer. i do not know much about serial killers. really? that is not what our records show, ms inside confidently asserted. what? what are you talking about? our records show that you are an avid collector of books about serial killers. what? that is just not true. ms inside walked past jake’s chair to his small but overflowing bookcase. mind if i take a look at these? be my guest. to be continued

novel 88 - 4. mary

by nick nelson

part 4 of ?

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pope innocent xx wakes up in the middle of the night and decides he does want to be pope any more. he gets up and gets dressed and packs his smallest suitcase. he leaves his room. outside in the corridor, the swiss guard appears to be asleep, as usual. pope innocent scribbles a note on a piece of paper from a small notebook he always carries in his pocket and slips the note into the shirt pocket of the sleeping guard. but the guard is not really asleep. she has been briefed by the vizier that the pope will try to escape and to let him get away. the guard keeps her eyes closed until the sound of the pope’s shuffling footsteps die away. she opens her eyes and the pope is gone, presumably down the stairs of the emergency exit to the right of the elevator. she clicks a red button on a phone attached to her left wrist, and then falls asleep, this time for real. the guard’s name is mary real, and she was born on a mountaintop in china, when the world was young, or at least younger than it is now. when she was six tears old, all the members of the village except herself were killed by a mysterious disease. news and details of the disease were hidden from the world by the rulers of the earth, and mary was kindly taken in by the pope - at that time pope john xliv. john xliv was a kindly soul who spent his days baking chocolate cookies - many of them in the form of saints and emperors and other heroes and heroines of humanity’s glorious history. the years passed peacefully until mary was twelve years old, at which time the old pope died, genghis iv invaded europe and civilization collapsed for the seventh time. a stable boy named gustav, who had sung in the choir with mary, was named pope by the local government appointed by genghis iv. mary and several other children who had sung in the choir and been tutored by the old pope, were placed in the swiss guard. life went on more or less peacefully until gustav, now pope innocent xx, fell in with a bad crowd who plotted against the new government of genghis iv. pope innocent xx was placed under house arrest and told he could keep his title and be given three meals a day as long as he played ball with the new government who meant business and did not give out second chances, not even to popes. in addition to her duties in the swiss guard, mary lived a secret life. next

novel 88 - 3. the job

by nick nelson

part 3 of ?

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charles lindbergh needed a job. he had not had any luck finding one, and he was desperate. he saw an ad online, in one of the more obscure generic websites the ad read: employees wanted. no qualifications or experience necessary. resumes not required. employees required to sign a two year contract, and to remain with employer for the full two years. no further information provided to employee prior to employment. no pay - food and clothing provided. no healthcare, pension, or benefits. all applicants accepted. reply to job256389@chump.org. or stand at the corner of washington and main sts, cincinnati oh any night between 12 am and 2 am what have i got to lose, charles thought. he could not afford a plane or bus ticket to cincinnati, or the gas to drive there, so he answered the ad online. to job256389@chump.org: hello, my name is charles lindbergh. i am replying to the ad on your website seeking employees. i am willing to sign a two year contract under the terms you describe, do you require any information about me? please let me know and i will provide it. i am desperate, and have no pride and no shame. sincerely, charleslindbergh @————————.com. after sending the email, charles told his wife becky what he had done. i like it, she told him, whatever happens to you, i will be rid of you, and that will be something, at least. i understand, charles replied, subduedly. next

novel 88 - 2. suggestions - continued

by nick nelson

part 2 of ?

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6. adam was walking down the road when suddenly he met eve. what are you doing here? he asked her belligerently. i could ask you the same thing, she replied saucily. you are going in the wrong direction, he continued, studiously ignoring her tone, there is nothing behind me, that is why i am proceeding north, as you see. i will be the judge of that, eve answered in a more measured tone of voice. perhaps there are things i will see that you did not, or that i can make use of that you could not. suit yourself. step aside then, and let me pass. the road is wide as well as long, will it wear you out to walk around me? eve laughed. you always have to argue, do you not? goodbye. and adam stepped around eve, and continued heading north, toward the ice and wind and snow. ___ _____________________- 7. harriet was a polite and well-bred person, and was in the habit of striking up polite conversations with complete strangers, even somewhat shabby and scary ones. harriet worked as a maid in a barely respectable downtown hotel, working the 4 pm to midnight shift, and took the last cable car home to her furnished room on california street. one chilly night she was riding home and there was one other passenger on the car, a man in a heavy coat several sizes too large for him and with a broad brimmed hat pulled down over his face but not concealing his long pointed nose. he looks familiar, harriet thought, familiar like a cartoon character - a comic villain. a bit cool tonight, isn’t it? harriet addressed the man. the man did not reply, and harriet decided he was not the talkative type. she never persisted in conversations if the person she spoke yo did not respond. ___________________________________________________ 8. you thought you had it made, didn’t you, jake? but something has gone wrong, hasn’t it? just like it always does. just like it tripped up all the great men whose lives you love to read books and watch movies about - julius caesar, hannibal, genghis khan, napoleon, hitller - they were all tripped up by one thing. and bow it is your turn. _____________________________________________ 9. carl wilson came home one night and was not greatly surprised to find that his wife had left him, as he had been expecting it for some time. he decided that a modest celebration was in order. carl believed in moderation in all things - something the departed joseohine had always professed to hold against him - so he poured himself half a glass of wine. ___________________________________________________ 10. every time margaret brindage looked out of her window, she saw something new and horrifying, so she turned on her television set for reassurance, because on the television nothing ever changed. how different it had been when she was a child, when life was boring and one did the same things every day, and the television - and the movies - provided excitement and respite from the boredom. right now, below her window, a motley group of indescribable people were chanting - death to……! _________________________________________________ well joe, i hope these help you out. please let me know if you have any questions, or if you need any more suggestions. plenty more where those came from. sincerely, sebastian dream sincerely, sebastian dream next

novel 88 - 1. suggestions

by nick nelson

part 1 of ?

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dear joe, thank you for your kind letter. i am always happy to help out my loyal fans in any way i can. here are a few suggestions for your novel. 1. pope innocent xx wakes up in the middle of the night and decides he does want to be pope any more. he gets up and gets dressed and packs his smallest suitcase. he leaves his room. outside in the corridor, the swiss guard appears to be asleep, as usual. pope innocent scribbles a note on a piece of paper he always carries in his pocket and slips it into the shirt pocket of the sleeping guard. but the guard is not really asleep. she has been briefed by the vizier that the pope will try to escape and to let him get away. ————— 2. aliens have conquered earth. they set about reconstructing human society. humans divide into two camps. those who welcome the reconstruction and wish to cooperate with the aliens. and those who resist the aliens. the first group are called greens. and the second group and called blues. andrea is a green girl. boris is a blue boy. andrea is walking down the street on her way to a rally in support of the aliens. it begins to rain. andrea slips stepping off a sidewalk and falls in a puddle. boris, on his way to a cell meeting of the resistance, sees andrea struggling to get up out of the puddle. _____________________ 3. davy crockett has lost his license as a trained deadly assassin. panhandling is beneath him, so he decides to rob the payroll of the new time and space center in the mongolian desert where professor isaac newton is building a new model time machine. but first he needs to get a good crew together. but before that he needs a drink. _________________________ 4. charles lindbergh needs a job. he has not had any luck finding one, and he is desperate. he sees an ad online, in one of the more obscure generic websites the ad reads: employees wanted. p> no qualifications or experience necessary. resumes not required. employees required to sign a two year contract, and to remain with employer for the full two years. no further information provided to employee prior to employment. no pay - food and clothing provided. no healthcare, pension, or benefits. all applicants accepted. reply to job256389@chump.org. or stand at the corner of washington and main sts, cincinnati oh any night between 12 am and 2 am __ ____________________________ 5. sally jones, a retired ribbon clerk, has used up the last of her meager savings. her rent is due. mr smith, who collects the rent, even though sally has never been sure whether or not he owns the building her room is in, has always seemed to her a rather nice gentleman, not at all the stereotype of an evil landlord. she decides to appeal to his better nature. she decides to tell him she will do anything - anything at all - if he allows her to remain in her room and not be forced out onto the street. ______________________________________ next

novel 88 - 0. dear mister dream

by nick nelson

part 0 of ?

dear mr dream, i know you have millions of fans, but believe me, i am your number one fan in the world. and i am desperate. maybe you can help me out. i have no money, no fame, and no respect. i have creditors - lots of creditors. i am the most miserable person in the world. well, you might say, why do i not simply take to the open road, or take to the hills, or “light out for the territory”, and start a new life? with all due respect, i do not think this is an option in the modern world where everybody needs an i d and a phone which allows then to be tracked every minute of every day, and where everybody is on a million databases. if i am wrong about this, i would be happy to be told where and how i am wrong. pending that, my best idea for a solution to my problems is what it has been all my life - to write a number one bestselling novel which will sell tens of millions of copies and be made into a number one grossing movie or series of movies or at the very least a tv miniseries. i know in my heart that i can do this, but there is one problem. i can not come up with an idea. i know that i can write a bestseller if i could just come with an idea. that is why i am appealing to you. i know you must have a million ideas, as you are the greatest and most successful writer in the world. if you could let me have one idea - just one - i will be eternally grateful. if you do not have time for the sorry likes of me, i understand. hoping to hear from you, sincerely, your greatest fan. joe lonelyroom next

emmeline

by hotrace p sternwall

emmeline was born, and raised in a home for surplus children. the home had a handy man named gustav, whom emmeline often assisted in his duties. in addition to sweeping up, and feeding the pigs and chickens, gustav was also a certified wise man, and holy man. his main teaching was always to be truthful, and he repeatedly impressed this on emmeline. the truth, always the truth. let its light shine in every corner, no matter how dark or humble. when emmeline left the home, her first job was busing tables at a restaurant. as she removed dishes from the tables and wiped the tables down, she would sing a little song: we are all going to die some day, we are all going to die some day. some patrons complained that they found this depressing, and emmeline was let go. but it’s true! she exclaimed, as she was shown the door. next she got a job as a maid in one of the decaying old houses on the outskirts of town. as she polished the silverware, she sang another song: no hope, no hope in the darkness we all grope hope is for dopes no hope, no hope i am sorry, emmeline, the housekeeper informed her, you do a fine job polishing the silverware and a better one polishing the glassware, but i can’t listen to you any longer, and you have to go. next emmeline got a job sweeping up at a beauty parlor. she would often remark to some of the older or less attractive customers - you are really wasting your time and money coning here , you know. you would be better off spending time at church or the library. she was quickly back at the employment agency, and so it went. after many years, emmeline found herself back in the neighborhood of the children’s home. she decided to look up gustav, and found he was still alive. as gray as a storm cloud over the antarctic, and as bent as a palm tree in a hurricane , but alive. how goes it, old fellow? she asked. still spreading the good word, and the light of truth? oh no! gustav exclaimed. i realized the error of my ways years ago. i do not know how i ever believed such nonsense, and feel bad about imposing it on impressionable youth. now you tell me, emmeline replied.